So I haven't posted in a week or so...

Had to make some hard decisions and take some important personal actions of late. I'm going to sound pretty cryptic, but I am okay. In fact, right now I feel awesome. Those of you who know me personally know I have long stretches of feeling low. I am moody, I am prone to withdrawing and disappearing and clamming up. I am fighting the pattern with help from others for the first time in my life, instead of putting up a veneer-thin false front and hoping everyone is fooled. Thank you all for hanging in there with me. I would be honored to one day be able to do the same for you.

We are back to our regularly scheduled programming.

It took a while to limber up, but then I found a compelling layer to record...

Man, I have so enjoyed getting ready for the Uppercase Old School Show! I have not been on the circuit for so long, I was really stiff and formulaic for several weeks, taking lots of crappy pictures. Finally, it all started coming together when I was exploring as many playgrounds as I could find, coming to and from work. I love the painted instructional graphics on the pavement, those precursors to all the other graphic cues left us by the authorities that make things like crosswalks and the interstate system viable...

I love the palimpsests formed when recess areas are reformatted, perhaps reflecting a change in the educational model followed by that particular school. I love the ineffective covering of play spaces past, especially since the children who inhabit them will absolutely not be fooled.

So yeah. I am back, my fellow travelers. Join me or stay the hell out of the way.

Double yolks! Total good  omen!March has been a good month:

I broke my digital camera and picked up my polaroid: I am getting to reacquaint myself with a medium I truly love.

I have gotten in touch with more and more friends, reestablishing contact and having some big laughs.

I have added the Valentines to the blog, I have done some work on the entire Monstress affair that will be showing up for you soon.

On a personal level, I have really stuck to my goal of packing my lunches, which has really enabled me to save money and eat so much better.

I have also worked on seeking freelance that actually reflects the career path I hope to pursue. I am finally getting a chance to work the design muscles that rushed production work never allows. My goal is to gain the confidence I need to make work using all my areas of knowledge. I have never been able to gracefully link my printmaking and designing with the research I have done, and this year I am starting to piece it all together. It's hard, because as an interactive designer, I am competent from all those years, but not satisfied. I will not be able to learn to craft effective logos if I am struggling to create and (badly) code something in a day. I can't learn about designing for commercial print with color if I never do anything involving a pantone book... So I am going after what I want, it feels good.

The Ardor Arbiter Starter Kit 

I may be spoiling the surprise a bit for those of you who have not gotten your valentine yet, but here it is:

The Monstress Certified Ardor Arbiter Starter Kit.
Medium: Silkscreen, Xerography
Edition: 325

I've spotted 2 errors so far, sorry about that. I was a bit tired. I have fixed them on the downloadables, so they are now marks of authenticity of the first edition.

I will be mailing the international and out-of-state ones today and tomorrow and will set up 2 NYC pick-ups, one for Brooklyn, one for Manhattan. I am also trying to figure out the best way to organize and post the other valentines I have made, and all the ones sweet people have given to me.

Download pdfs of this valentine!

• Ardor Arbitor Pamphlet & ID Card 
• Ardor Arbitor Citations

 

Back at last! Thanks for hanging in there!
2007 was eventful. I didn't write much about a lot of it as it was all so personal, I really needed to process it all. Also, there is a risk in admitting to struggles in a public space, so I waited until a few of them had subsided.

Some milestones:
Overall, I have assumed responsibility for my life.
Back in 2006, my life was just not going all that well. I was really down, overweight, really bored at my job, and scrambling to keep up with bills. Below are ways I was able to change it by admitting my way wasn't working, I had to find another one, and I had to mean it.

1. I am getting out of debt.
   This started in late late 2006, but I have paid off over $10,000 in credit card debt. I paid back nearly $2,000 in personal debts on top of all that. All the budget cuts, all the scrimping—it's paying off! I haven't used a credit card in 2 years, and I hope I never do. I have about 2 more years and I will be free... The whole subject of money is worth a few entries, I believe. It's hard to admit to some of the mistakes I made, but let me think about it. The best thing was putting the personal debt behind me. I didn't have to pay it back, but it just was weighing on my mind. I am really wary of ever becoming indebted to a friend again.
   
   
2. I added substantive, regular exercise to my life.
   I walk a lot, but adding 2 pilates classes a week just made all the difference. I was an athlete at one point, but I never was properly trained in body movement. I am strong, but about as flexible as your more limber brick. Pilates is helping me learn to move mindfully. Combined with changes in my diet, I was able to knock off a solid 12 pounds of weight.
   
   
3. I cut my coffee consumption by 80%.
   Yeah... so I was working a lot of freelance on top of a challenging work schedule, then drinking a couple beers to try and decompress. During the day, I was choking down 8 to 10 cups of coffee a day just to function. In order to cut back, I had to deal with so many issues: cutting back on the Stella, getting to bed at a decent hour, choosing better freelance so I didn't have to work 80-90 hour weeks, using my time at work better... So yeah. Coffee drinking down, life way better. And the cup I have each morning is so damn delicious I could do a little jig. I am thinking i could switch entirely to green and herbal tea this year, but not sure. I do love that cuppa joe.
   
   
4. I went on a real vacation, with people whose company I really enjoy.
   I haven't taken the time to vacation since college. This September I went to Maine and ate lobsters, freshly cooked in seawater. I had my first professional massage, I met all these great people and had huge, sprawling conversations until the crack of dawn. Walter and I both completely declenched and sat around in late summer sunlight.
   
   
5. I finally put a spoiled relationship behind me.
   This was huge, a long-running divorce, really. I had this relationship that went south years ago, then we tried to be friends, only we don't really get along, then it just kept getting worse. I was my problem, she was hers, and together we made a lovely stink. It has taken nearly 3 years to untangle our lives from one another's, but we actually had to work together to do it and hopefully she is coming out of it all a bit better off as well. No one needs to be miserable to have a companion. I am ready to finally find someone else to be with, and the fact that I am imperfect and absolutely certain to make mistakes is okay. It's going to be okay. I am messed up on some things, but I am lovable. Everyone is lovable. Holy poop. Cue the violins, already!
   
   
6. I have gotten better at my job.
   In the midst of all the other changes, I finally left my old job and found one with a real design studio. It was a lot of take on all at once, and I think I could have timed it better given how much I had shaken up things already. As it was, I had a rough entry into a tight-knit group of people, but I used the time to deal with some insecurities it brought up. It has not been pretty, but holy crap, I feel vulcanized. And I have gotten better at being a designer! All those years making widgets had left me so unsure of myself, I had become skittish of risk. I could feel synapses literally growing back into place... I know it was not always fun, but I have gotten something incredibly valuable in knowing this group of people at this time in my life. I am grateful to them. Hopefully, I can earn their respect as well.
   
   
7. I have 3 great pets, all healthy and adorable.
   Walter ate chocolate twice but came through without a hitch. Beatrice still suffers from allergies. Pepper still has hair ball issues. They all still sleep with me. I couldn't be happier or more covered with someone else's fur. Send lint brushes, for the love of pete!
   
   
8. I am closer to my family than ever before.
   I need to spend more time with my brother and his son, but with everyone else, I know I am closer. I am telling them all so much more than I ever did. They are telling me things, we are all listening. I love my people.
   
   
9. I don't expect to be completely free of depression or anxiety the rest of my life, but I have learned a lot how to make sure I feel great most of the time.
   I have had to deal with periods of depression when life got hectic, as have most people. Finally, I feel I am learning to prevent my state of mind from spiraling into that territory! I had to make sure I was not stewing at home, so I see a lot more of my sweet friends, I sign up for volunteer opportunities, I have exercise buddies. I changed my diet (except at work, still eating crappy cafeteria food). I added vitamins and herbal supplements—lots of antioxidants and such. To deal with some of the crappy ways of thinking I developed, I always read a lot of cognition books (behavior theory, mostly), LOTS of blogs on productivity and meditation; I am adding in some Buddhist texts too. There is absolutely a better way for me to look at the world, and I am learning about it every day. I still have my moments, but I am better and better at navigating them.

The plan for 2008:

Overall, i just want to keep heading in the general direction I have found for myself: live healthfully, nurture my relationships, and invest in my future by paying off debt and learning new things. I cannot express the difference between today and the end of 2006. It has been a real awakening to see how even the smallest shifts in perspective can mean such profound change in the long run.

Here are some specific goals I have in mind for this year: 

1. Make monstress a true blog.
   

   I know I have been spotty, but I really have loved working on this. I let some of the issues listed above take higher priority than being a disciplined blogger. I know that is not what I want to do this year.
   
   

2. Quit smoking.
   I was doing really well this year and then let some stress derail me. Poop on that.
   
   
3. Drink a little bit of wine for the health benefits.
   According to the latest studies, It is good for a woman to have one glass of red wine a day. Regardless of what the studies say next year, that sounds perfect.
   
   
4. Make my apartment my home base: reorganize, unclutter, rebuild to make it a home.
   I have slowly been sifting through the dross and making small improvements. this is the year I purge with a firm hand, i have a much clearer idea of what i need from my home, so I can edit all the better.
   
   
5. Make art.
   I have a studio that was left untouched most of this year. I am okay with that. I got a lot of other stuff done. I am making art this year; to start, I am spending one hour a day in my studio. Even if I am just doing crossword puzzles or organizing screws.
   
   
6. Love my job.
   I have to start making my personal work again or I will grow stale and bitter. So that is the plan. Make and sell a few pieces. Beyond that, I have to find ways to synthesize the things I love to study and do into my day job. I don't want to see the two as separate. How can I make a career in interactive design and conceptual art? It could be really, really cool...
   
   
7. Re-establish contact with loved ones I let drift away.
   I will write them some long letters.
   
   
8. Pack my lunch every day.
   This means cooking more, so I will start with 2 days a week.
   
   
9. Add some yoga and biking to my routine.
   
   
10. Start dating again.
    It has been a while, but I was right to do some work on myself. Ladies, consider yourselves warned.
    
    
11. Talk to my brother on a regular basis.
    My big brother is a great person. His son is just a superstar. We can definitely talk more.
    

So there you have it, a bit of a run-down. Once again, thanks for reading, I so appreciate any time you spend looking at my efforts here.